Words

I hate you.

The words have become comfortable, reflexive. They are a nearly involuntary reaction to myself when I act in a way I am ashamed of-- when I fail to uphold my responsibilities, when I mess up, when I hurt the people I love or ruin something I care about. I am a disgrace, a failure. She knows it, with her biting words. He knows it, with his sad silence. I am not nearly the woman I thought I would be at twenty years old.

I hate you.

I don’t really believe those words. I will not end this life. I love the people I have been blessed with, the world I have to explore, the grace that God has shown me. I rejoice in the breathlessness of dance and the freedom of music. I could not end my stewardship of the joy and hope God has given me.

And I hate you.

The words don’t mean anything, really. They’re just a name for my numbness, the dissonance between my love of life and the endless times I have failed. A title for the knife I see in my mind’s eye, thrust through my heart every time I lose something precious.

But He loves me.

These words are an effort, a tired cliché that I can’t be bothered to rejoice in. They are a small, desperate cry when I am crushingly sad. I push them aside, cynically, sarcastically. I am still a failure.

He loves me.

This is not a joke, or an empty comfort. I remember— I am a child of the most high God. He will never leave me or forsake me; He has forgiven my every foolish misstep, every willful crime, every careless word . The God of the universe, the source and essence of all truth, goodness, and beauty— he became a man and took our sin- my sin- upon himself.

He loves me!

I can hardly believe these words. They have been in my heart since before I can remember, a constant assurance that my Maker will always be Father, Savior, and Friend. I want to shout it from the rooftops! How can I be afraid, how can I be sad, when He is so good? How can any of the people around me stand to walk as though the world is going to crush them to death?

Oh. Because we hate. We hate the darkness within ourselves, the ugliness that pervades our streets and the numbness that covers our days.

But He loves us. And that love is worth living for.

the glory of God

Psalm 19 tells us that 'the heavens declare the glory of God, and the skies proclaim the works of His hands".
But I see pictures like this, and I am reminded that while the stars blow me away, the earth, the rocks cry out, exclaiming over His majesty just as much as le ciel.

always forever

You are the hand that catches my fall
You are the friend that answers my call
You are my day; You are my night
You are my love, and all of my life
-Always Forever, Phil Wickham

I love this song because it is so true. Jesus really is all that matters; our most constant friend, and the love that will continue through eternity.

James tells us that faith without works is dead. The Old Testament prophets brought the Lord's word, crying that He desired our hearts and our service. It's not about the works, it's about the heart that brings those works. Jesus said that if we love Him, if we are His friends, we will obey His commands.
Being grateful for the cross is not enough. Affection for God is not enough. We are called to love- and love means stepping outside our comfort zones. It means breaking long-standing habits that you know are inhibiting your service to Christ. It means taking the opportunities to talk to the broken.
It means giving up our lives. There is something greater than any hobby or interest; Someone greater than any friend or family member, who deserves all of our love and attention.
love Him. serve Him. always forever.

"We know that everyone who has been born of God does not keep on sinning, but he who was born of God protects him, and the evil one does not touch him. We know that we are from God, and the whole world lies in the power of the evil one. And we know that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding so that we may know Him who is true, and we are in Him who is true, in His Son Jesus Christ. he is the true God and eternal life. Little children, keep yourselves from idols."
1 John 5:18-21

"Then I heard what seemed to be the voice of a great multitude, like the roar of many waters and like the sound of mighty peals of thunder, crying out,
'Hallelujah!
For the Lord our God
     the Almighty reigns.
Let us rejoice and exult
    and give him the glory,
for the marriage of teh Lamb has come,
    and His Bride has made herself ready;
it was granted her to clothe herself
   with fine linen, bright and pure'--

for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints. and teh angel said to me, 'Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to teh marriage supper of the Lamb.' And he said to me, 'These are the true words of God.
'"
Revelation 19:6-9

trust

"Too long have we been waiting for one another to begin! The time for waiting is past! ... Should such men as we fear? Before the whole world, aye, before the sleepy, lukewarm, faithless, namby-pamby Christian world, we will dare to trust our God... and we will do it with His joy unspeakable singing aloud in our hearts. We will a thousand times sooner die trusting only in our God than live trusting in man. And when we come to this position the battle is already won, and the end of the glorious campaign in sight. We will have the real Holinesss of God, not the sickly stuff of talk and dainty words and pretty thoughts; we will have a Masculine Holiness, one of daring faith and works for Jesus Christ."
-C.T. Studd (1860-1931)

'Masculine Holiness' aside (for us females, anyway!)... do we really trust God?
Are we using our lives, possessions, and blessings in a way that glorifies Him?
Are we trusting Him with absolutely everything- our friends, educations, and homes?

'Live in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ.'

not about feelings (guest post)

I met the lovely Emily Hannah at the first qualifier of the season and just found her blog today. She wrote exactly what I needed to hear... 

"I’m going through quite an interesting chapter in life right now. I feel strangely…numb.

I just had the most amazing school year and speech season ever followed by my best summer yet. At each speech tournament I could feel God’s presence right there every second and it was almost like a weight. It felt so good to be nearly crushed by God’s presence, by His glory! I could never adequately explain it to you. I felt the same indescribable feeling of God’s presence at debate camp. I have grown closer to God in the past 7 ½ months that in the previous 16 years altogether.

Now I am going through quite a different thing. I’m not feeling God right there with me every second. I’m not hearing His voice speaking to me as I read His word. This really got me thinking, though. Love isn’t about feeling “in love,” it’s an action. You love someone by putting them before yourself, by working to please them, by paying attention to them and spending time with them whether you want to or not.

Love is not about feeling head-over-heels, madly, passionately crazy about someone. That’s what Hollywood thinks, but feelings don’t last and that’s a huge part of why marriage is nearly obsolete right now. Feeling is what love has become about.

I recently watched the movie, “The Last Song,” and quite enjoyed it. Boys, it’s quite a chick flick, so you wouldn’t like it, but I thought it was sweet. Anyway, at one point the “guy” says to the “girl,” “No one makes me feel like you do.” and us girls’ hearts melt into puddles of sentimental goo. But really? How selfish is that? He “loves” her because of how she makes him feel?

And then it struck me. That’s how I’ve been treating my relationship with God. He made me feel amazing for 7 glorious months and now I don’t’ feel amazing anymore. I was loving God because of how He made me feel. I am SO selfish!! That is not what biblical love or biblical faith is based on.

1 Corinthians 13 describes true love beautifully, as only God can describe it.

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

I just read Hebrews 11:1-3 which says, “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation. By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible.”
The chapter goes on to say, in verse 6, “And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.”

Have you ever seen two people who are in love? I mean truly, unselfishly in love? If you’ve ever seen that you know that they are constantly trying to please each other and make the other person loved and important. “ And without faith it is impossible to please him.” 1 Corinthians 13 tells us not only how we ought to love other people but also how God loves us, and how we should be loving God. Now Hebrews 11 tells us how to please our Hero, by having faith.

Love is not about feeling, it’s an action. Even during this dry, desert-like season of my life I can be loving God, I can be pleasing Him, I can have faith in Him.

Over and out,~Emily"